One Year...not forgotten

So, Friday, March 6th marked the one year anniversary of the death of my third baby. I have not forgotten the pain and still question our choice to end the pregnancy, but now that I have Mason, I know that things were supposed to be this way. It's almost as if God blessed us with getting pregnant with Mason so quickly & easily (and totally unintentional) as to tell us He was ok with our decision. (For the record, I started this blog on the 4th and just now finished it; it was supposed to be posted on Friday).


Let me explain.


On February 26, 2008 I was scheduled for my 20 week ultrasound. The city of Toledo was shut down...there was a huge snow storm and everything was closed, schools, offices, stores, etc. My office even closed, but my doctor's office did not, so we were all excited to go to the ultrasound. We were going to find out the gender of our baby and were taking Allison and Preston with us. David did end up going to work, so he drove separately and met us there. My appointment was at 2:30 or 3:00, I can't remember exactly. We got there and waited for Linda, the ultrasound tech, to call us back. When she did, we all went back and got settled in for my ultrasound; we were all very excited. Now, David and I had already had 2 children, so we knew what a normal ultrasound looked like; we knew at 20 weeks, we would be able to see the baby and make out most of the features. Not at this ultrasound...Linda put the wand on my belly and the room was silent. We all knew something didn't look right. We couldn't really make out the baby's body. Linda rolled the wand over my belly for a few minutes before saying a word. She asked me who I was seeing that day for my appointment. I told her Donna. After a few more minutes of silence, she leaned over quietly and said "I'm seeing a mass in front of the baby's belly". She continued, "It could be the intestines, I just can't make it out. I'm going to go get a doctor to look at this with me". I immediately started crying, but trying not to let my kids see me, as I didn't want to alarm them without knowing what we were facing. Donna, my midwife, and Dr. Read came in. Donna started rubbing my legs while Linda and Dr. Read looked at the screen again. After a few more minutes, Dr. Read suggested putting me in an exam room and she would be with me in a few.


After sitting in an exam room for about 15 minutes, Dr. Read and Donna came in to talk to me. Immediately, Donna said started giving me her condolences. Dr. Read explained there was a mass in front of the baby's belly, they couldn't really tell what it was. They wanted me to go see the Maternal Fetal Specialists, and were trying to get me an appointment, but the office at the Toledo Hospital was closed (probably due to the weather). They said they had a call into the office at St. V's Hospital and that they would call me direct to set up an appointment.


So, we left the office, not knowing what we were facing and not knowing what was to come. I don't even remember the drive home; I had the kids with me and David was driving separately as we had met at the office. That evening was very tough...everyone knew we were having our ultrasound that day, so the phones were ringing off the hook and I was getting text messages from everyone...expecting me to tell them the gender of the baby. Poor David had to intercept many calls that evening and explain that we didn't know yet, and that there was something wrong with the baby. I cried myself to sleep that night...not knowing was the hardest part.


I went to work the next day; Allison and Preston had school and I couldn't just sit home by myself...I would have gone crazy sitting in the silence all day. When I got to work, my unit/team were all sitting with anticipation for me to tell them the gender of the baby. I broke down trying to tell them what was going on. Needless to say, I didn't get much work done that day. The office of the Maternal Fetal Specialist at St. V's Hospital called early that day and was able to get me in the next day, first thing in the morning. I spent the rest of the day researching different fetal anomalies online. I've seen enough baby shows on the Discovery channel to know that a baby being born with the intestines on the outside of the abdomen can be fixed. It's not the ideal situation, but it can be corrected. I prayed for that until my ultrasound with the specialist the next day.


On Thursday, February 28, 2008, David and I went to the specialist first thing in the morning. After a short wait in waiting room, we went into an exam room, I had my blood pressure checked, had to pee in a cup, etc. Finally, they took us into an ultrasound room. The ultrasound tech came in, her name was Jen. I'll never forget that appointment. Jen didn't say much during the ultrasound. We could see the baby, and the mass, but we could also see the heartbeat, going strong. We saw the baby move and could tell the hands from the feet, etc. After about 45 minutes of ultrasound, Jen said she was finished. She was going to go over the ultrasound with the doctor and they would be back in to discuss it with us. What a horrible waiting period. David and I sat in the room for about 20 minutes, waiting... Finally, Jen came in with Dr. Sallah, the specialist. He looked at us and told us the worst.


I had a condition called "Amniotic Band Syndrome"; beware, this gets pretty graphic (I'm warning you if you "Google" it). We had never heard of it before. What happens is that the first few layers of the membranes surrounding the baby had ruptured at some point during the pregnancy. These ruptured membranes are then bands, (look like wires) floating in the amniotic sac with the baby. These bands are sticky and basically, what they do is attach themselves to the baby or wrap themselves around the baby's limbs and literally rip the baby apart. My case was very severe and the mass in front of the baby was actually it's intestines, liver and bladder. The baby also had two clubbed feet, it's spine was twisted into the shape of an "S" (a healthy baby's spine should be in the shape of a banana), the kidney's were enlarged, they thought there was a hole in the heart and they couldn't get a good picture of the baby's face, they thought that part of the chin was missing. Dr. Sallah had Jen take a few more looks with the ultrasound. Then he told us we could continue to "try to carry the pregnancy and see what happens" or "terminate the pregnancy now". I couldn't believe what I had just heard. If I continued the pregnancy, there would be no change; actually, things would get worse as the baby got bigger, if it survived, as the space in the sac would get smaller, the bands would do more damage. Dr. Sallah took us into his office. He explained that this was not genetic, it is a rare, "fluke" thing that happens in like 1 in 10,000 pregnancies. There is nothing I did or could have done to make it happen or prevent it. He was very thorough in his explanation and then asked if we had any questions. The only question I had: "Is my baby in pain?" Dr. Sallah explained that this obviously has been something that happened earlier in the pregnancy, and basically, the pain has been chronic for the baby, so the baby was "used to the pain" by now. That's all I needed to hear; how could I continue this pregnancy and wait for God to take my baby if it was in pain? Dr. Sallah seemed surprised that we didn't have any more questions; but he was very clear on the outcome of this pregnancy, either decision that David and I made was going to have the same outcome: We were not going to give birth to a live baby. Now we had to make the decision to either terminate the pregnancy on our own or wait for the baby to die and then have to deal with the aftermath of that. I felt that the longer I carried the baby, the harder it was going to be to lose it later on.

I'm not going to go tell all the details of the rest of the story. Let's just say that since the baby was still living, ending the pregnancy would be an actual abortion. None of the hospitals in our area would perform the procedure, even though the baby had no chance of surviving. I was forced to spend 3 afternoons in an abortion clinic, speaking to a grief counselor. Let me say that Kristen, my counselor was awesome. She understood my situation and they never made me sit in the waiting room with the people that were there because they chose to be. The clinic treated me with a lot of respect and consideration in that dark time of my life. I still had to wait the 48 hour waiting period for the state of Ohio. We really did not have a choice...after the procedure was done on the evening of March 6, 2008, Kristen came out to talk to me. The baby was a girl, which we later named Grace, because I wanted to think of her as a beautiful, graceful little girl that I know she would have been had my body not destroyed her. The damage to her body was as extensive as the ultrasounds had picked up..even worse, which is why I never saw her...I didn't want to see my baby that way.

Abortion to me is not black and white anymore. I hate that we have to call it an abortion; in my eyes, David and I were being compassionate to our unborn child. We were trying to end the suffering of our baby and be loving parents.

We did have her cremated; and I was going to spread her ashes over my mother-in-law's grave site as if to ask Irene to take care of my baby...but even after a year, I haven't been able to bring myself to get rid of those ashes; they are all that I have left of her. Someday, maybe.

I know that if I had given birth to a healthy baby girl, I would not have had Mason, but I still struggle with they why. I still wonder why one baby had to die in order for another to be born. I know and believe that everything happens for a reason, but hope that someday I will know the reason.

I had planned to post this blog on Friday, on the one year anniversary of my "abortion", but couldn't get through all of it without crying..having to take lots of breaks, etc. Plus, I have a new baby and two school-aged children, so my free time is very limited as it is.

Guess who's two weeks old already?!

Yes, that's right, two weeks, already!

Oh, and I did I mention that my little piglet now weighs 9 pounds 2.5 ounces...he went for a weight check today, to make sure that he gained back to his birth weight. Well, he far surpassed that mark, which means that he gained 13 ounces in 8 days...no question on if he's not getting enough to eat!!

He's going to be a big guy like his big brother!

Just thought I'd share!

Michele

One week

Guess who's one week old today? Can you believe it? Wow...how time flies. I think he gets cuter and cuter every day. We're all so in love with him, it's crazy.
I do think Allison and Preston are having a bit of a difficult time adjusting though...Allison has been a total drama queen; when I look at her the wrong way, she bursts out into tears and says that I don't love her anymore. Preston has been having temper tantrums and spending a lot of time in his room.
David and I are really trying to make a point to spend some special time with them and do things they want to do (play board games, etc). It's a huge adjustment. Which is why I've been a really bad blogger this past week, I'm trying to keep up with it all...and I'm not even working right now; I don't know how I'll adjust when the time comes.
Allison is going on a playdate on Saturday, and I am going to try to make a playdate for Preston...that way David and I can spend some time with Mason alone.
Anyhow, that's where I am today...trying to adjust, keep up and sleep. I'm going to share some photos of my one week old....the cutie pie!!

Mason Storm

Mason Storm was born into the world on February 19, 2009 at 9:12 pm (2/19 at 9:12 - cool, uh?). He was 8 pounds 10 ounces, much to our amazement, because he doesn't seem that big! 20 1/2 inches long.
I promise to post more about the birth story later; for now, I'm so very happy to have a healthy baby boy and be home from the hell-hole hospital (promise to explain later). Enjoy the pictures; will talk more soon!
Michele

OMG! I have 3 kids!!

40 weeks and a birth to come!

So, I just got home from my 40 week OB appointment. Apparently, sitting on the physio ball helped; the baby's head has dropped a bit and he's in the right position for delivery.
Donna did a non-stress test, and this little guy performed perfectly. Therefore, when Donna measured me and confirmed that he's "ready to be hatched" (her words, not mine), she checked my cervix, said his head was low enough and my cervix was "inducable". Donna stripped my membranes. She said if I don't go into labor tonight; she scheduled me at Toledo Hospital tomorrow morning for induction...yay!!
So, we have to be ready at 7am and the hospital will call us when they are ready for us to come in; could be 7, could be 8...either way, I'm having my baby within the next 36 hours....
I was only dialated to 1cm, which, from what I read, the stripping of the membranes doesn't usually work unless your body is farther along, but we shall see. I don't have any cramping or bleeding or anything...so now we just wait and see if I go into labor on my own tonight or we get induced tomorrow.
So, Mason Storm will probably be entering this world on his due date, February 19, 2009. As long as he's healthy, I'm fine either way. I've got the video camera charging, I just put sheets on the bassinet and pack-n-play and put my phone charger in my hospital bag. My camera is ready to go and I'm just going to sit back and wait to see what happens.
I'm a bit nervous; haven't given birth in 5 years, but remember most of what goes on...I'm sure it will be fine, and I will try to post as soon as I can afterwards; I don't have a laptop, so maybe one of my friends who visits me at the hospital will post something for me.
So, hopefully next time I talk to most of you, I will be a mother of 3 healthy children.
Until then....Michele

39 weeks 4 days....

Well, no baby yet. I tried to walk a lot this weekend, I sat on the physio ball quite a bit and even did the other "home remedy" my midwife suggested, if you catch my drift. I don't even feel like the baby has dropped any. I think I have finally come to terms that I will have to be induced again. So, at my appointment on Wednesday, I will ask Donna to induce me on Friday night. Hopefully he will be born by early morning or afternoon on Saturday. Funny thing is, I'm feeling great. I am not miserable and uncomfortable like I was last week. I think it's because I'm not working anymore....not sitting in that chair in front of a computer all day; I've been resting, sitting on the couch and doing things around the house. Don't get me wrong, standing and doing dishes for 10 minutes kills my back, but then I'm able to sit with my feet up. So, I'm thankful that I'm off work already.

My kids are home today; President's Day. So, I'm glad to be able to spend the day with them, probably our last time before we have another baby.

Here's my 39 week picture; I don't know why Allison can't sit still and take a decent picture...she's too antsy.

So, as I posted last week, our basement flooded...what a mess. The insurance company did come out to look at everything, but we don't have any major damage. Our main concern was if any of the appliances or furnace/hot water tank went out in a week or a month due to water damage, we wanted to have it on record that we called them. So, we have up to a year to turn in any damage from the water back-up. It did give us a chance to go through the basement and clean it out and organize it. We have a ton of garbage, but mostly junk; boxes that didn't make it and some toys that were junk; nothing worth anything. We also went through boxes we had never unpacked from 3 years ago when we moved in and organized the "wrapping" area. My loving husband did not even complain when he realized I had about 200 gift bags that I insisted we keep for reuse...I love him. We purchased a few more plastic bins for anything that wasn't previously in a bin. My husband spent all weekend down there cleaning the floors with bleach water; I couldn't help with that part, obviously. But, look at what my wonderful husband did....he made the basement go from this:

To this:

Of course, we have to hope that the kids keep it this clean and organized. We were looking at carpet 2 weeks ago for the basement. Thank goodness we didn't buy it yet; and we're getting furniture from a co-worker of mine who is giving some furniture away. Now at least the basement is ready for it.

Well, I think that's about it. I'm just eagerly awaiting the birth of my son....while I try to keep busy around the house. I put the pack-n-play together yesterday and packed our hospital bags. I have a small load of baby items to wash, but nothing major that I need right away, just a few gifts we received and baby towels that I purchased. I'll keep up with the updates; if there are any.

Michele

Maternity Leave: Day 1

So, yesterday, at my 39 week check-up; I was hoping for some good news from my midwife, Donna. She did agree to induce me, IF, my body was doing what it was supposed to be.
So, she checked my cervix; bad news, not ready. The baby's head is too high for her to induce; she's concerned that his head could get cocked and stuck while trying to rush it, which would increase my chance of having a C-section, which I do NOT want.

On the other hand, while she was checking my stomach, she did say that he's going to be a very big boy. She finds it hard to believe that he was only 7 1/2 pounds last week, as she thinks he's much bigger than that now. What?!?! So, what is my option? She didn't give me one. It's almost like I'm thinking, if he's that big, shouldn't we do something about getting him out now?

Her suggestion...have regular intercourse and sit on a physio ball and bounce on it so that I can get his head to drop.... Two things, that at this point in my pregnancy, I am not at all interested in.

Donna did write me off work yesterday; that was the good news. I told her how miserable I was and about the pressure in my pelvis. Sitting at a desk all day kills me, and getting up from that chair is even worse. Plus, I'm starting to swell, and well, my work shoes about killed my feet yesterday. I think I deserve one week off before giving birth to a mammoth baby....ha! She did want me to come back for another ultrasound; the tech is on vacation next week, so I went in this morning for an ultrasound...more to come on this, below.

So, as I was driving home yesterday, fighting back the tears, in the torrential down pouring rains; I was very upset for multiple reasons. But, I have to be happy for what I can be:

1. I am VERY thankful for a healthy pregnancy. After what I experienced in my last pregnancy, which ultimately ended in no baby being born, alive, I have tried not to take this uneventful pregnancy for granted.
2. I am VERY thankful for what seems to be a very healthy baby boy
3. I am thankful for Donna, my midwife, going through this with me. She's very calming and is like a friend when we meet for my appointments. I can talk to her openly and honestly and look forward to my appointments

I cannot control when this baby comes into the world. I cannot control how big he is going to be, but this scares me, because I'm afraid he's going to come out a 3 month old and not a newborn. I cannot control what my body does or does not do, although, I can follow Donna's home remedy advice and help push things along, which I have been trying to do.

When I got home last night, I discovered that we had water in the basement. As the rains kept coming, the water situation got worse. When the crock with the sub-pump was about 2 inches from the top, David decided to go get another pump. Within 5 minutes after he left for Home Depot (1/2 a mile from our house), the crock filled up and the water began to fill the basement. All I could do was stand there and watch the water back-up. I picked up the things I could and started piling everything onto toy boxes and rubbermaid containers, and hoped the plastic stood up the way it was suppposed to. I rolled up all the carpet squares and piled things on top of the air hockey table. By the time David got home, we had about 2 inches of water in the basement. After 6 hours, 3 pumps (his brother-in-law brought another one over), another trip to Home Depot to get more hoses, 5 guys down there and 5-6 inches of water, we finally pumped it all out, but only because the rain outside stopped. What a disaster. My appliances were all just standing in the sewer water and toy boxes were floating in the nasty mess. I was just horrified. Luckily, we didn't buy the carpet we were looking at last week for the basement, and our furniture has not been picked up yet for the basement; it could have been so much worse. Today, it's damp down there, and stinks horribly. We have to wait until next week for an estimator to come, because we are not an emergency case. David is going to try to get down there and clean what he can; at least try to stop any mold from growing. We have yet to plug in the washer or dryer to see if they work; going to let them dry out at least all day today before we try. How am I going to be able to bring a newborn home with two other kids and not be able to do laundry? Are you kidding me? I cannot believe the night we had.

Although, I stood almost the entire 6 hours David was downstairs...today, I'm in pain; lots of pressure, even when sitting. So, I went to my ultrasound appointment at 9:30 this morning. Donna was not in the office; she was at the hospital, assisting in a surgery. Linda did my ultrasound and said the baby's head is very low for her; he's in the perfect position, laying on his tummy. She is estimating his size at only 7 pounds and 11 ounces today. How can Donna feel his body through my stomach and think he's over 8 1/2 pounds and then an ultrasound says about a pound smaller? Linda said she got some great measurements. She said she knows she can be off a pound either way, but is usually closer than that (she's been doing this for 34 years). She called Donna and spoke to her, told her the findings of the ultrasound. Donna sent me home and advised to keep up with the home remedies she suggested. So, now we wait, again, even more.

I don't want to rush nature, and I surely don't want to pull this baby out if he's not ready, but honestly, he feels huge...he feels like he's going to be close to 9 pounds, and waiting another week scares me to death. Donna did say that next week at my appointment (Wed, the 18th) if I haven't given birth yet, she will induce me. I would love to go into labor on my own this weekend. Any suggestions? Any ideas? I am totally being selfish right now...I want to hold my baby in my arms and see his sweet little face. Everyone I know always goes into labor early...I don't understand why my body would rather hold on until we have to make things happen.

Anyhow, I know this post is all over the place; I'm just tired, sore, disappointed and anxious. Although, tomorrow, are the kids' Valentines Day parties at school. I'm going to take advantage and go, since I'm now off work.

For now, I'm going to be positive and take this time to do things around the house that need to be done that I never have time for; especially when the kids are at school, hehe.

Right this second, I'm going to go get my kids from school. More to come soon.

Michele