Brick Wall

Ok, so this post is going to be me whining and complaining a lot...but, let's face it, it's my blog and my outlet so I can post whatever I want.

No, I am not suicidal and would never think about committing suicide, and I mean no disrespect to anyone, but sometimes I feel like there's a brick wall out there somewhere with my name on it, just waiting for me.

I guess, I like to give the persona of everything being perfect, but that's not how my life is at all. I suppose I need to be more honest with how I'm feeling and what's going on in my life, as again, this is my outlet.

I don't even know where to start, today I have tons of thoughts running around in my head. I'm at work and supposed to be working, but just not having a good day so I can't focus on work. I do NOT like to bring my personal life to work, but today, I just can't separate the two.

Yesterday, it was very warm again, the thermostat on my van said 87 degrees when I got in it in the afternoon to drive home, which meant that since my van was sitting out in the sun all day, it was HOT inside. Now, my van is only 15 months old; I don't even have 13,000 miles on it yet. So, I get in, turn on the air, blasting of course, to cool it down, and drive. After about 5 minutes, I realize the air conditioner is blasting hot air. Yes, my air conditioner went out on my rather new van...which was brand new when I leased it last year. I was SO mad. So, I had to drive all the way home, on the expressway with no air conditioning. I was sweating by the time I got home. Needless to say, my van is in the shop, and my brother-in-law, who works at the dealership, gave us a little car in place of the van while it's being repaired. So, I'm driving David's Jeep today, because I have to take Mason to the doctor this afternoon and will be taking all three kids with me.

Last night I took Allison to tap, had to stop at Target on the way home to get a trifle bowl for a dessert I'm making for a co-workers birthday tonight (will post recipe if it turns out), went home and finally ate dinner at 7:30, nursed Mason, put the kids to bed at 8:30 and fell asleep on the couch with Mason at 9:30. I woke up at 11:15 pm, Mason was still sound asleep, so I got up, did the dinner dishes that my husband didn't even bother with, got my breast-pump together for today, started on my lunch for today, folded a load of clothes and put the clothes from the washer into the dryer. By this time, David had fallen asleep on the couch. I sent him up to bed and then Mason finally woke up and was ready to nurse again. I fed him, then we went up to bed around 12 midnight. I fell right to sleep and was woken up at 3:06 am by Mason, who was ready to eat again, right on cue. I nursed him, changed his diaper and tried to finish feeding him. He was not having it; he was too busy smiling and laughing. He was in such a GREAT mood, however, it was 3:30 in the morning and I was exhausted. He was wide awake. I tried to get him back to sleep, but he was not interested. I finally took him downstairs as not to wake David up at around 4:00 am. Now, I don't know why I don't feel like I could have woken David up and had him be up with Mason. I'd already fed him, and I don't ever get to sleep through the night anymore, so I think I deserve to once in awhile, but, I didn't want to deal with David whining about how tired he would be in the morning, and he's not nice when he first wakes up so I didn't want him to be mad at Mason and "yell" at him instead of trying to be calm and get him back to sleep. Plus, I was already up, so I took Mason down into the family room. I put him in his swing and laid on the couch. He was so content and happy, just looking around, swinging. I was in and out of sleep; I was just exhausted. About 4:30, Mason started to rub his eyes and get fussy. So, I picked him up, carried him up the stairs and put him in his bassinet. I think he was sleeping before I covered him up; he was out. Yay...but my alarm was to go off in an hour. Needless to say, I pushed snooze until 6:00 this morning. Of course, it was a good thing I'd gotten my stuff together last night, so I wasn't rushed and too behind.

David woke up in a crabby mood, of course. Now, I love my husband, and he works very hard to try to provide for us as best he can. The economy just sucks, so we are very thankful when he does get an opportunity to work. Having said that, what is the point of working for yourself if you can't make your own schedule? We haven't found a permanent sitter yet because David's work schedule is not stable, so we're just having people fill in here and there. Mostly, his niece comes to watch the boys. But, she can't watch them Wednesday, Thursday or Friday this week. David said he was going to call a family friend who watches Allison & Preston on snow days and is always our back-up babysitter. Of course, he didn't call her until last night (Monday), and she isn't available Wednesday, but can watch the boys the other 2 days. So, we have no sitter for Wednesday. I can't take any time off of work right now (unless it's an emergency, and this doesn't qualify for that), I only have 5 vacation days left for the entire rest of the year, since I used so much with maternity leave and spring break. So, David said last night that he'll just stay home with the boys on Wednesday, and go work in the evening when I get home. The job he'll be doing is for his cousin, and he's already ok'd working in the evenings so we didn't have to pay a sitter if we didn't need to. He also has a small job he's working on with his buddy during the day, but can skip one day if need be. So, this morning, David says "I need to find someone to watch the boys tomorrow". I responded with "I thought you were staying home"? He says "well, I need to find someone to watch them, starting at like 2 so I can go work on my cousins job". Now, I say, "Who are you going to have watch them?". He says "I'll find someone". WHAT? SOMEONE? Ok, I'm very anal retentive..anyone who knows me, knows that. I have never been away from my kids overnight, except when I was in the hospital having another baby. Do you think I'm just going to leave my 9 1/2 week old baby with just someone? Anyone? NO. So, of course, that started a huge fight.

I just can't stand David right now. Why...why can't he stay home one day? In the past 6 1/2 years since we've had Allison, I've always been the one to stay home with sick kids, take time off when school was out for whatever reason and we didn't have a sitter, snow days, etc. I am the one who leaves work early to take the kids to their doctor appointments, speaking of which, I'm the one who has to keep track of those doctor appointments. I have to keep track of bath nights, tap dancing, soccer nights, when to take snacks to soccer, girl scouts, etc. I'm the one who has to make the grocery list, plan the meals, go grocery shopping, etc. NOT TO MENTION, I am the only one in our house that even worries about vacuuming, dusting, organizing, cleaning, laundry, etc. Why is that? Why don't they care what the house looks like? Why doesn't my husband write things down on the grocery list when we're low? Instead, he bitches that we're out of something...well, I always say "I didn't see it on the list", which always causes him to have an attitude. I just feel, lately, that I'm being taken advantage of.

I think mostly because I'm overly tired today, so not only am I cranky, but extra emotional. It's tough having a new baby, I know that, and I've been through this twice before and I know this will pass, but it doesn't make this moment in time any easier. I'm just tired. I'm just fed up.

I know that David has a labor intensive job, but, just because I sit at a computer all day doesn't mean that I am not exhausted when I get home too.

To top it all off, when I tucked Allison and Preston into bed last night, I realized I hadn't really even seen Preston and hadn't spent any one on one time with him. He stayed with David when I took Allison to tap, and I just felt guilty. I am feeling that more and more I see less and less of Allison and Preston. I know it's because the weather has broken, so they've been able to play outside, and they've always been independent, but I don't read them books or play games with them in the evening anymore like I used to before Mason was born. Sometimes, I even feel that Mason is an only child, because I go to bed and don't remember spending any time with the older kids. I feel so guilty. I also feel so attached to Mason though. When Mason gets cranky, I'm usually the only one who can calmly get him to calm down. David gets so frustrated and tenses up and starts treating Mason like he should be able to control himself. So, I always end up taking Mason back from him.

Anyway, all these feelings of guilt and resentment (towards my husband right now) are just overwhelming to me. On top of it, I don't feel like I can keep up anymore. Between school projects, homework, PTO activities, field trips, doctor appointments, work, housework, car issues, etc., I just feel like I'm drowning.

Other things that have happened lately, which are starting to add up to all these feelings:
1. Our big-screen t.v., which is only a year and a half old, went out. First the bulb had to be replaced, now a new part has to be installed. Just one more thing to keep track of.
2. When we got the new dryer, the door didn't stay shut when the clothes started spinning. The clip that holds the top of the door closed was broken. Lowe's gave us the door from the floor model while they ordered us a new door. Well, the door came in, and it wasn't the right part. Just one more thing to keep track of.
3. I keep track of all the bills and financing, etc. Well, our bank account is overdrawn today. Apparently, I forgot about a check David wrote to the eye doctor last week, and now our account is overdrawn by $11.98. But, that means that I will get two overdraft fees, since the bank pays the highest amount and the overdrawn amount is made up of two smaller debit charges, so two fees; that's over $60. One more thing to keep track of, and I'm obviously not doing a very good job at that right now. I checked the account last night before I went to bed, and it was fine, then today, when I checked it, everything cleared (effective yesterday) so there isn't anything I can even do, since technically it was overdrawn yesterday. I would have transferred money from my other account had I known. Oh well...nothing I can do now. There's just more money going out than coming in right now, which seems to be happening to everyone.
4. Mason has his next check-up this afternoon, which means another round of shots. Boo...I am excited to see how much he's grown because he gets bigger every day, but not looking forward to a cranky baby.

Well, ok, so there you have it. I'm overwhelmed today, sad and feeling guilty about my kids; mad at my husband; irritated that I don't have more hours in my day and just very, very tired.

I will post a more upbeat blog, with pictures, when I have time.....thanks for listening. I hope everyone is having a better day than me today.

Until next time...
Michele